The Sleepover Conundrum

bookworm · #1 02-01-2010, 09:14 PM

Am I the only mom out there not letting my kids have sleepovers? I'm feeling the guilt trip from my sons tonight. There was a family that lived around the block from us with two sons who were bfs with my two sons. They moved. Since then the pressure to have sleepovers has increased. Because they live so far (W. Jordan), it isn't convenient or practical for me to drop them there to hang out for a "late night" and then pick them up late and bring them home. They don't come out here for the same reason. If they can't sleep over, they don't get to see my kids. It's frustrating to me for them to occasionally call my sons and say, "so are you still not allowed to sleep over? I'm having my birthday party in 3 days and wanted to invite you, but I didn't because I figured you're not allowed to..."

I would like to think that if the roles were reversed, I would discourage my kids from making that kind of phone call, and instead try to make plans that were more feasible for the other family.

I know I need to make things happen for them-- offer to take them to hang out at that family's house when I'm going to be in SLC shopping, or going out with my sisters or something. I was trying to offer that for this Saturday, when I go have breakfast with my sisters, but it blew up into how unreasonable it is to not let them sleep over with this family, who (whom?) we know and trust, how unfair it is, and now my 14-yo DS has been moping on the sofa for 20 minutes.

It isn't about any particular family. It's about protecting my children from the following: R-rated material, pornography, molestation, alcohol, drug or cigarette use, etc., etc. Not that I suspect any of my kids' friends' families from any of that evil, but when my children are out of my house and the adults are not present (i.e., asleep) I worry about what could happen. I won't know if a cousin or a friend I don't know is also at the sleepover. I won't know if Uncle Joe is staying for the weekend. I can't protect them if I'm not there.

I felt prompted when they were very young to make this our rule, and I've stuck with it. I don't want my boys exposed to anything in that kind of situation. Sometimes, once is enough to change the course of their lives. I have heard of multiple local general authorities recommending that families not allow sleepovers.

Anyway, what is your standard? Do you guide your children to respect the standards of other families that may or may not coincide with your own?

Erudite · #2 02-01-2010, 10:55 PM

Hmmm...well, we have a firm "not until you're 8" unless it's cousins rule. But it really hasn't come up that much now that 3 of my 4 are over 8. I have the same kinds of fears that you do, but I've also had my kids turn off or walk out of enough shows on TV where bad or scary stuff was being shown that that one doesn't bother me too much. I think they know and would do whats right on that score. But other adults in the house can be a bit iffy. You are perfectly within your rights as mother to ask those kinds of questions of the other set of parents. You can ask what's going to be watched, who will be in the house, and even specify what your standards are, and the other set of parents should respect that or not expect to see your children in their home. You also can instruct your children to call you at any time if they need to be collected; they can listen to the Spirit as well as you.

On your final question, my children should absolutely respect the standards of others without lowering their own. I hope they always will.

bookworm · #3 02-01-2010, 11:35 PM

Thanks, E, for sharing your thoughts. For me it isn't a question of how to handle sleepovers or whether to have them. I've decided not to. I'm just so frustrated that this family puts pressure on my kids, who then have a problem. Otherwise, my sons are quite content with late nights.

As to their ability to listen to the spirit, I know my children can and do. And we have a standing agreement that they can call me for a rescue ANY time, no matter where or when. They also are very good about turning off things or leaving if something isn't appropriate, but I don't think that removes my responsibility to protect them from situations that could be beyond their strength or ability to escape. Even the best kids get into trouble if exposed to trouble persistently, over time. It's like the internet filters. I KNOW my sons won't look at inappropriate things, but over time, if enough things pop up unblocked, it's bound to have an effect. And, being boys, it may become harder and harder to resist, to turn away, to listen to the spirit. So I block and filter the internet, in the hopes that between my supervision (no internet if I'm not home, and the computer is in the kitchen) and the filtering, that they will be protected. That's what the no sleepover rule is for me-- it's a protective shield. It's just not allowed. Knowing they are safe in their beds, and that no one else's children are here, either, is comforting. I sleep better, and so do they. They have enough to defend against just being in Jr. High and High School.

I felt prompted to enact this standard for my kids, and I think it's up to each individual family to decide for themselves. This post really happened because of the frustration this family caused me today.

And I am curious as to whether I'm alone. But I got such a HUGE response about it on Facebook, that I know I'm not alone. That is comforting!

Dia Minha · #4 02-02-2010, 10:26 AM

You are not alone. We have the same rule. We also have the same problem with a friend living in Salt Lake and it being difficult getting them together. I especially struggle because out of all my oldest daughters friends this particular friend is my all time favorite. Maybe this is because she isn't over a lot, but we have had her to Grandma's several times and she is so polite and sweet I just adore her and love the influence she is on my daughter.

We even fight against cousin sleepovers. Very few cousins on my side of the family have the same family values. Not only that they are all older. Although there have been cousins that have ended up at grandma's house at the same time. Sometimes we have been nervous about this and then changed our minds about our children staying. There is a reason we have been given the gift of the Holy Ghost and in order to keep it we must use it.

We have had Aunts and Uncles take our children over night so that we could have a night away, but these were not sleepovers/parties. They were babysitting experiences. I think this makes a big difference. There is no staying up late, while adults are in bed. Everyone goes to bed at a decent hour leaving less time for there to be trouble.

I don't have any advice for you on how to deal with others that can't respect your decision other than, maybe if they can't, they aren't such good friends after all and it is time to cut ties. That is hard to do. Especially since the children might not understand. So I say stick to your guns Mommy, and figure out other times and ways to get them together. Are the other parents willing to share in the driving responsiblities? I know that sure would make it easier for us.

natickgirl · #5 02-02-2010, 01:57 PM

How very frustrating for that the other children are putting pressure on yours when they KNOW the rule! Grrrrr! Sounds like your boys are just testing you...they've known the rule forever, but circumstances have changed & pressure is on; they're wondering if Mom will stick to her guns.

My children have never had a "friend" sleepover. Occasionally they'll have a cousin sleepover, usually out of necessity (for example, when we'd come in town from MA) but even then we're very strict about who, when, and where. There is really only one sister, and one set of parents that we trust with our children because we know they have the same standards that we have about who is there, staying up late, TV viewing, computer time, video games, etc..

Have you spoken with the other boys' parents? Are they aware of the pressure being put on your boys? I hope they learn to respect your decision. A parents should never have to justify or defend their decision to protect their children.

bookworm · #6 02-02-2010, 03:04 PM

Thanks, ladies.
NG, I haven't spoken to the parents. I haven't figured out yet how to say, "You know how we don't do sleepovers? Would you mind telling your children to please not pressure mine about it?" I'm so VERY non-confrontational, I have to really work up to something like this, even though they are very nice people. I'd really like DS to say, "NO! I can't do sleepovers and I won't ever, so please don't ask again!" but of course that isn't going to happen!

Here's a funny thing-- I remember sleeping over at NG's house in the pop-up tent trailer in 8th or 9th grade. (that was you're house, right?) and other times, too. Irony...

---------- Post added at 02:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:03 PM ----------

Oh, and yes, the boys are definitely testing me. It's their area of expertise. I was telling someone at work the other day that adolescence is like reviewing toddlerhood all over again-- they have to be re-taught almost everything! Stinkers... but they are such good boys that it's okay. I'll deal with the testing. And I'll even pass this one!

natickgirl · #7 02-02-2010, 03:19 PM

Yeah, BW, I remember those sleepovers! Oh, the irony. In today's world, though, I would NEVER allow a group of teenage girls to sleep in a camper trailer w/no parental supervision!!! At least you can supervise them if they're in the house. What were my parents thinking??? Good thing we were all good girls who only got into a little mischief. (Remember when my MOM took us toilet-papering?)

bookworm · #8 02-02-2010, 03:30 PM

Ha ha, yes! We had another friend, Paula, who's mom took us all the time. I might consider going with my boys if I didn't need so much sleep, but yeah, I would NEVER let a bunch of adolescent girls be out there unsupervised... and I don't remember any mischief... except the TP-ing. We were very good girls!

**5ft Diva** · #9 02-05-2010, 12:46 AM

Quote:

It isn't about any particular family. It's about protecting my children from the following: R-rated material, pornography, molestation, alcohol, drug or cigarette use, etc., etc. Not that I suspect any of my kids' friends' families from any of that evil, but when my children are out of my house and the adults are not present (i.e., asleep) I worry about what could happen. I won't know if a cousin or a friend I don't know is also at the sleepover. I won't know if Uncle Joe is staying for the weekend. I can't protect them if I'm not there.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen, and AMEN!!!! I couldn't have said it better myself. We don't do sleepovers either for these very same reasons. Sorry you're getting pressured. My kids are always invited to go to sleepovers and I tell them they can stay until _____p.m. It's not their favorite, but they are happy to be able to go at all. Weird that these kids handle their parties as an all or nothing kind of thing. I guess you can look at it as an opportunity to teach your kids how NOT to give in to pressure. Plus, if you received inspiration to not do sleepovers - tell them to pray to understand why you were given that answer. Better yet, to just pray about it and find out what the answer is. (Talk to Keirsten Poffenberger about this one if you're hesitant. She's got a great story to share about that!)

Good luck!