Spoiled!

[natickgirl]

OK, I need some advice, ladies. My almost 12 yr old son had a birthday party recently. I personally feel he is too old for parties, but my husband disagrees. I mentioned to my son that he should write "no gifts" on the invitations, but he freaked out. (I think he's too old for getting gifts.)

SO -- My son received gifts from friends. Among them were a gift card to Target, and a nerf dart gun that he already had, so he returned it for credit to Toys R Us. He completed his practicing & homework quickly yesterday afternoon, so I took him shopping to use his gift cards. He had a few specific items in mind to get.

When we arrived at the stores, he realized he didn't have enough credit for what he wanted. He asked me to "loan" him money. Um, NO! This is the kid who can't keep 2 cents to his name...he already owes his nice sister several dollars. Then he started begging me to buy his gift card(s) off of him so he could get what he wanted at a different store. [We have done that a few times in the past, if we've needed to purchase something from that store anyway.]

I explained that I had no need of a Toys R Us or Target gift card, and that I was sure he could either save his money & use his credit later, or find something else to buy. That it was a gift from a friend, and he could appreciate it & use it without involving me. He became very upset & sassy, acting like a spoiled brat, because I wouldn't give him what he wanted! I was so angry that I put down the shoes I was going to buy for him (he's grown 2 full sizes in 6 months) and walked out of the store. I will NOT take him back to either store to redeem his credit--he'll have to work that out with DH.

Here's my question: How would you have handled the situation? How SHOULD a parent handle a situation like that? How do you teach a child to be grateful for any gift that is given, whether it's the "perfect" gift or not, and that relationships (respecting your parents) are more important that things? I've been trying to teach him for years, but he gets so attached to things & stuff.

I'm sure hormones played a little part in his emotions, and I'm sure having an allowance would help him feel as if he were more in control of money matters, but that doesn't solve the underlying problem of putting too much importance on things & not people. He's 12 (almost) for crying out loud! Help? Advice?

[Erudite]

How funny. I just barely read (and gave as an FHE lesson) Elder Hales' last GC talk. I suggest you start there. Elder Hales gives some great advice on the handling a budget as a family and maybe hearing "we can't afford it" from Elder Hales would help your son see a bigger picture.

My FHE lesson (using quotes from the talk) focused on planning for the future and how part of that planning was to plan to help others as well as building our faith by paying tithing and fast offerings. Maybe if he were given a long range goal...? Elder Hales does suggest that. And...those gifts he received are an "increase"...did he think to pay tithing on them? Perhaps that would bring the Spirit to assist him in his choices and attitude as well.

Personally, I think walking out of the situation was a good one. Good for you for not giving in!! However, when you're calm, you do need to explain your concern and your decision on letting DH take over (and you need to make sure DH doesn't give in too). Don't forget to express your love for what is good in your son as well. I know that's making a world of difference for my 12yods.

Good luck!!

[5ft Diva]

WOW! I am afraid I would have gotten really mad at my son if he'd done that. I honestly don't know how I would have handled that. If money were no object I'm afraid I would have felt inclined to take him to a third world country to show him how insensitive he was being. I really don't know. (I know this doesn't help.)

As far as your question, how SHOULD you have handled it? I think you should have done what you knew best to do and it sounds like you did exactly that. From what you're saying it sounds like you didn't want your son to be rewarded for his behavior and don't want to be a part of it in the future. I think that if you had had one of your other children there you would have handled it different because they are different and if I had been in that situation (which I may be in one day so it's good for me to have this type of discussion w/ others) I would handle it different. So my point is that you do what you feel you should do.

I can tell you right now that if I had been in that store w/ my child and I had handled it the way you did that I would be hearing how unfair I was and how it's their choice and how I am not respecting their agency for what they want. And my thoughts would be, I must be doing something right AND I am getting the opportunity to teach a principle that my child doesn't understand instead of having to apologize for over reacting and getting out of control.

Does that make sense?

BTW, I like the idea of buying gift cards off your kids. I'll have to remember that one.

---------- Post added at 11:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:57 AM ----------

Oh, as far as gratitude goes.....

The only thing I can think of is to be a good example. (Lame answer, I know.) As far as application: maybe use a future FHE to talk about gratitude and role play some scenarios so that your kids know how to handle these situations when they present themselves.

I do agree that the hormone thing definitely has it's place in this experience you've had w/ your son. I have noticed that when my kids act that way sometimes (and this is a random sometimes when you're dealing w/ hormones) it's helpful to point out to them that I don't even recognize them. I tell them that I know something is going on because I know that they wouldn't normally act that way.

I know that none of us intentionally want to act out of character and that it sometimes just takes someone grabbing us by the shoulders (figuratively speaking) and saying, "Hey, who are you and what did you do w/ my son/daughter/wife/husband/friend?!"

HTH

[Big_Sissy]

I think you did the perfect thing. Do not let him think for one second that his response is okay -- It's not.

Now just make sure you husband wears his pants and knows how you feel and will have your back if your child does the same thing to him. United front!

[5ft Diva]

Just out of curiosity, how did things turn out, NG? Did you get the results you were looking for in a way you were happy w/?

[natickgirl]

E -- You brought up an interesting question. When do you pay tithing on gifts, and when don't you? We used to have our children pay tithing on cash gifts...we live so far from family that many send cash or gift cards. However, my husband pointed out that when they receive actual items, not cash, that they don't pay tithing--so why should they pay if the gift happens to be in cash? It's like being penalized for getting cash rather than a toy. I think he has a good point, but I'm not sure I agree... What do you think?

5 ft -- I like the idea of pointing out that "I don't even recognize you" & "the boy I know wouldn't behave like this" when kids are acting irrationally. It's kind of an indirect way of giving them positive feedback, while pointing out the negative behavior at the same time.

Big S -- DH did talk to my son about his disrespectful behavior. However, DH has issues with his mother, and sometimes transfers it to the situation involving DS & me. DH feels I am too strict & controlling, and I admit that sometimes I am. However, I'm trying to say "yes" to DS more...to show DS that I really am on his side. Fortunately, DH did explain to DS that I went out of my way to help by taking him to the stores in the first place, dragging his two sisters with us, when it was NOT convenient for me. DS was very contrite, and knew his behavior had been inappropriate. He's always very remorseful after the fact...I just hope one of these times his remorse will lead to a change in behavior next time!

Thanks, all, for your thoughts & suggestions.

[Erudite]

Originally Posted by natickgirl

E -- You brought up an interesting question. When do you pay tithing on gifts, and when don't you? We used to have our children pay tithing on cash gifts...we live so far from family that many send cash or gift cards. However, my husband pointed out that when they receive actual items, not cash, that they don't pay tithing--so why should they pay if the gift happens to be in cash? It's like being penalized for getting cash rather than a toy. I think he has a good point, but I'm not sure I agree... What do you think?

Hmmm, I'd never thought of the idea that we don't pay tithing on a "thing" that is a gift. And I guess I wouldn't have thought to pay tithing on a gift card either, because there isn't any money really involved. A gift card must be used up in things and thus can't have 10% be separated out of it (easily)..you'd have to pay from other funds to pay tithing on it and that doesn't quite fit into tithe-ing the increase, I don't think. Plus, more goods doesn't feel like an increase...just more mess, lol!

I guess we pay tithing on money, because it goes in the checking account and 10% can be pulled out. Plus, I feel so grateful when that happens (as an adult, it's usually a significant amount) that I want to express gratitude for having received it, so I pay tithing in gratitude. I guess I think that cash is "increase" and things are not. And I also think that choosing the blessings of tithing is MUCH better than the cash or the things, so I choose it when I can; rather than rationalizing how not to pay, I rationalize how to pay. BUT we each get to make that choice individually, I'd say.

There's the whole debate on paying on the gross of a paycheck vs. the net of a paycheck. We choose the gross in the thinking that we will always be blessed for it, and then we don't pay tithing on a tax refund because we've already tithed that money. Yeah, we don't get ALL that we've tithed back, but when you stop to count the blessings the windows of heaven have been pouring out, it's just amazing, you know?

Thanks for letting me think that out! I hope I haven't offended in doing so.