Stupid and Other Put Downs

Dia Minha · #1 10-20-2011, 11:35 AM

My 12 year old son is constantly pointing out everything his brothers and sisters do wrong. At least what he thinks they are doing wrong, as in they aren't doing it HIS way. I'm at my wits end with it. The only thing I have come up with is after many many conversations about it and so that I do not have to scold him or lecture him every time I hold up my finger as a signal to remind him we have talked about this and he is not to put his brother or sister down. I have tried to make sure I am not doing the same thing, by choosing to hold of instruction until after the heat of the moment. Such as, if he does not complete an assigned daily job "correctly" I wait until the next day when he is getting ready to work on it and say something like, "I noticed yesterday there was some gunk behind the back of the toilet. Can you make sure you get that today?" Instead of checking his chore and then running to him and telling him to fix it. Make sense? Actually I'm trying to be better at that with all of my kids. My attempt to teach by example. Any one else deal with this and have any suggestions?

Erudite · #2 10-20-2011, 04:25 PM

Sorry...I really don't except to say I feel your pain. My 12 yo DD is about the same in wanting to mother everyone, which usually means pointing out the wrong in others. What I find myself saying is "stop that, he's allowed to WONDER." I'm finding that usually the put down is because they consider their 8 yo brother to be "childish" and I want to preserve WONDER in my kids for as long as I possibly can. So I don't allow them to knock it out of him with their criticisms.

OH! I did think of something! I haven't used the technique in awhile, but when my kids were littler and would get into fights, I started pointing out the multiple solutions to the fight, like YOU can give the toy back and HE can share with you, etc. After I'd done it awhile, I started asking THEM to come up with the solutions and I found that they could because they'd learned by what I'd said. Then I often ask them to choose the solution that will create a peaceful spirit in our home. After doing that awhile, I could then say "choose peace!" at the arguing kids and they knew just what it meant. That's not an exact situation so I don't know if it helps, but your good example of your good example made me think of it. Maybe if you asked what else he could have said...or give him examples to start?? What do you think?

***Big_Sissy*** · #3 10-21-2011, 09:04 AM

Nothing to add, only to say that 12-13 this behavior is normal -- I didn't say it was okay, I just said it was normal.

I believe it has something to do with these youths trying to figure out their roles and where they fit in the family and life in general -- just my guess though.

I like the solutions posted though -- Great ideas.

Dia Minha · #4 10-21-2011, 10:32 AM

I guess it is somewhat comforting to know that this is normal behavior. I have been feeling like I did something wrong and that is why he is the way he is. Just have to keep working on it.

***Big_Sissy*** · #5 10-21-2011, 10:39 AM

Nope, normal for sure. DS#1 did it, and now DS#2 is doing it.

The good news is that DS#1 retired before DS#2 took up the negativity flag

bookworm · #6 10-25-2011, 10:16 AM

This is an interesting thing that happens with the oldest couple of kids, I think, because we do give them so much responsibility and, often, authority.

Often, when any of my kids get bossy, I remind them that their younger sib is allowed to learn the task, etc, in their own way, just as I allowed them to. Sometimes I will pull the oldest aside and ask them to back off and let me worry about whether someone needs correcting. Generally, if I stay calm and keep my tone non-bossy, this is effective.

Over the years during happy moments, I have reminded my kids often about how important their relationships are, about how much power for good (or bad) they have with their sibs and that sometimes I still hear my sister telling me that I sound like a dying bird when I sing, or that I shouldn't dance because I look like an idiot, etc. It's normal sibling stuff, but it STICKS! It can affect self esteem, and I know that's not what my kids want. Sometimes I ask them, what is your goal? Do you want to teach them something, or are they just annoying you? Usually it's the annoying, so I remind them that THEY can leave the room at anytime!

Anyway, that's my two cents.

***Big_Sissy*** · #7 10-25-2011, 10:23 AM

Great advise.

The staying calm part I need to work on.. Oh and the pulling them aside part... oh and .. you get the idea.

Again, thank you for the advise.

natickgirl · #8 11-05-2011, 10:41 PM

This is definitely normal, especially for an oldest. My DS has been doing it to his younger sisters for years. Often, he is genuinely trying to help them (or, at least in his mind he is trying to be helpful) but it comes across so negatively. I remind him again & again that they are younger & still learning things, and also that they are entitled to their own opinions.

I had a very domineering older sibling who always made ne feel as if my opinions were never as valid or "right" as hers. It took me a long time to feel that it was OK to be myself and have my own likes/dislikes/talents. My husband had an older brother who did the same. Consequently, we both harp on our son when he starts belittling his sisters. Interestingly enough, my older sister has apologized several times for being so bossy; she said it was her way of trying to figure out who she was. She said she even felt threatened by me because of MY unique talents/abilities. I guess I need to learn to have more patience with my son & help him discern what is helpful, what is damaging, and what needs to be left to the parents to correct.