Summer Mom vs. School Mom

[5ft Diva]

I'm not necessarily dreading sending the kids back to school (although I'm really going to miss having them around all day), but I'm dreading the serious part in me that comes out when they go back to school. I love the relaxed mom that is present when school is out - I mean I absolutely love her! So why do I have such a hard time keeping her around once the pressure is on? Why am I a Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to school? Anyone got any ideas on this? Can any of you relate to this?

[bookworm]

This makes me chuckle because we are so different in this, Diva. I love my kids, and I enjoy their company most of the time, but honestly, I can't wait for them to get back to school and to have things to DO! We have nothing going on, and so often boredom becomes bickering...

I know you, if you want to keep Jekyll around for the school year, just remember that's what you want and you'll figure it out. You are very good about letting your children take responsibility for their lives- include schoolwork in that. It's hard, but it works. Sometimes it's REALLY hard, but if you and they establish set consequences at the beginning of the school year for a. missing assignments, b. low grades or c. behavior issues, then you can dole out consequences without feeling controlling or Hyde-ish. You can let them own it and let it be their problem.

I'm assuming you mean you become a different mom because you have to crack down whereas in the summer, you're able to just sit back and enjoy the kids. If I'm way off, oh well... this is the advice I give myself at the beginning of every school year...

[5ft Diva]

Yep, you pegged it. Thanks for the ideas, BW! They're coming in very handy.

[Dia Minha]

I tend to be a very relaxed mommy year round. Sometimes this cuts it close at deadlines, but even then I'm learning that there are very few things in life that need to be taken so seriously that I have to get that upset or uptight about. I don't always accomplish that goal, but I'm getting better.

[Erudite]

I can totally relate! I attempt to maintain the relaxed Mom WHILE being the school Mom, but it doesn't always work when it's the same mistake day after day. So...I have a question for you...hopefully it doesn't totally hijack the thread. I guess it's especially for BW.

but if you and they establish set consequences at the beginning of the school year for a. missing assignments, b. low grades or c. behavior issues, then you can dole out consequences without feeling controlling or Hyde-ish. You can let them own it and let it be their problem.

How do you do this? What are the consequences that you give out? How often do you check on their grades to make this happen?

I'm mostly concerned about my 13yods. He's forever missing assignments and getting low grades as a result. I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face about it and I always make him make up assignments, but then...I'm MAKING him make up assignments and he still doesn't own the problem. I'm trying to have the "your homework is your responsibility" attitude, but I don't think I have appropriate or immediate enough consequences for when they do miss stuff. Last year I tried taking his laptop away when he had a zero and or when the grade average was below 80%. I had his laptop every other week it seemed like. When will this sink in? He's in the 8th grade now, so he's only got a year before it starts counting so he really needs the good habits NOW. Any thoughts?

[bookworm]

Well... I'm not exactly a master at this, but here are my thoughts...

Giving up control of the kids' school performance is one of the hardest things parents can attempt- it's VERY difficult to watch your child fail (especially on the brink of it 'mattering'). BUT it's really good for them to fail and suffer because of it-- better now than at 21 and getting in bigger trouble... I have really struggled with this, because I know my kid CAN to better, etc., etc... HOWEVER, if you can let go and let it be their problem, you will be much happier. Now, the sticky part is making sure they are not happy when things aren't up to standard.

I had a friend who's son was grounded for 25 days once. This was because she looked at the SIS after a while of not checking, and he was missing 25 assignments. I think that works fine in elementary school, but it gets harder as they get older- at least for me- for grounding to really be effective, because they are still involved in sports, scouts, etc.

I have learned that each kid's consequences probably need to be tailored to that particular child.

One of the biggest motivators is for them to be involved in a school sport in HS, - I'm hoping, anyway- because the coaches will require them to do well if they want to play (ideally--- I realize some coaches let some kids slide). My oldest is playing sports this year, and so far he's heard admonitions from coaches about keeping grades up, and he's got goals to do better that are HIS goals, not mine for him.

My second son, however, isn't really into sports. He also wouldn't miss it if I grounded him from friends- he's a homebody. He might grumble if he lost video game/computer time, but because they only get limited time with that, it too isn't the most effective thing. So I'm asking myself, what is his favorite thing? Food. Maybe some kind of incentive will work for him- if all his grades are above a B level, then I'll take him to Cold Stone or something. Conversely, if he just lets everything slip and his grades fall, maybe he will not get dessert until the grade comes back up. (Or something, I actually haven't planned this stuff out yet for my kids this year).

If you've never read "Parenting With Love and Logic" that is the big source for me for this kind of thing. If you ever get the opportunity to take a Love and Logic class, I highly recommend it.

As far as checking grades, that is a tough one because some teachers are very slow at getting information posted, and you obviously don't want to wait too long to check. I think I'll have my kids be responsible for checking weekly, and maybe I'll check every 2 weeks or something.

Let me know if you have any great ideas for this stuff... I'm always open to new ideas Especially with parenting!

[5ft Diva]

I want to run this idea by you guys. I am mainly wanting to know if you can foresee confusion.

Something we are doing this year....thanks to BW's wisdom....is I am posting my expectations for the kids. They are very simple. I expect them to be kind. I expect them to be where they need to be when they need to be there. I expect them to have reasonably clean rooms and clean laundry (my oldest three do their own laundry). I expect them to have their homework turned in on time. In return they can expect freedom, privileges, and fun. This is right next to my kids schedules and whatnot and I'm going to have them sign it so that the know I know they understood it. I don't know how it will work, but it'll be better than last year. Because I didn't have any guidelines posted and on hard copy my kids kept pulling the ol' "But you didn't tell me that this time I had to do that....." or whatever. I think you know what I mean. Anyway, I have found that my kids do really well w/ incentives also so we will regularly reward them for meeting and exceeding expectations. If they don't then they already know that freedom, privileges, and fun are the areas in their life that will be hit. I hope it's easy and simple for them. I tried to be specific enough that they knew what we expected and vague enough that it left it open for us to customize rewards and disciplining for each child.

[bookworm]

Diva, I like that idea! A lot of teachers post expectations in their rooms, and I think it's a great idea for the kids to know basically what their rights and responsibilities are! I might use this, too...

[Erudite]

I have recently changed my zone charts to have "expectations" on them and it hasn't really worked very well because I don't follow through enough with them DOING the zone cleaning, but I do think it's a fantastic idea!

I gave a FHE lesson using Elder Hales 2008 BYU speech about becoming a life-long learner and posted the attributes of a life-long learner, but I'm thinking now that I need to add goals for those attributes, so that the attributes can be more concretely practiced.

I think the 2 ideas are the same in the sense that they need to understand our expectations and how to accomplish those expectations.

BW...I've been struggling to figure out better consequences for my son...oh! I just had a good idea. It won't last too long, but one thing my son HATES is mowing the lawn. I think he could "EARN" a pass on mowing the lawn, as in Dad could do it. Dad may not liek that, but it might work wonders for my DS, for as long as lawn mowing lasts. I'll have to figure out something else when it really turns into Fall. Thanks for letting me think this out.

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by Erudite

BW...I've been struggling to figure out better consequences for my son...oh! I just had a good idea. It won't last too long, but one thing my son HATES is mowing the lawn. I think he could "EARN" a pass on mowing the lawn, as in Dad could do it. Dad may not liek that, but it might work wonders for my DS, for as long as lawn mowing lasts. I'll have to figure out something else when it really turns into Fall. Thanks for letting me think this out.

That's a great one! I asked my kids last night if they could think of anything. They weren't very good with it, but I'll share what we did decide. My oldest refused to help, so I think he will just see what I decide if his grades fall below B-s. It may be extra chores, or a loss of playing sports. I hope he doesn't test me on this, because he is NO FUN to be around anymore unless he's busy busy with sports...

My second son agreed to no sweets or treats until the grade rises, and my third son suggested and agreed to doing an extra 1/2 hour of homework in the subject where his grade drops. That's each day. I hope he keeps up, too, because I'm not sure where he would find an extra 1/2 hour! I thought it was too good an idea to pass up, though.

As for missing assignments, my smarty-pants second son suggested that they check the SIS weekly, and if any assignments are missing, they have one full week to get them turned in, at the end of which, if the assignment is still missing, they will be grounded for the next week (the grounding will be lifted if the missing assignment gets taken care of before the end of it). The only problem I see with this is that after suffering the week of grounding, they might just think they're off the hook and can let the 0 slide. I'm not comfortable with that, but I'm waiting to see what happens.

Also, there's the issue of multiple missing assignments. If it comes down to it, I think I might require a week of grounding PER assignment missing until they're all turned in or something. I don't know yet. Hopefully, they won't have too many this year. J loves his sports and A loves his privileges.

Oh, and just a note, grounding at my house means no TV, Video or computer games, or playing with friends. It's almost as miserable for me as for them... but don't tell them that

[runamyrun]

BW, I think that is a great idea for your kids to help come up with the consequences. It helps them take ownership. What a great idea!