Supporting Our Children

[Dia Minha]

Once again I have become the "guilty parent". My daughter has her solo this morning for band and I am unable to attend. I'm frustrated that she signed up for it on a Thursday, knowing I had preschool. Yet, I know she probably didn't have much of a choice, because band just happen to fall on Tuesday, Thursday this week, the same days I teach preschool in Salt Lake. She has a concert tonight and I will be able to make that, even though it will be difficult to have to haul all the children, because it is also my second oldests night to register for Junior High. I talked to her about it and she doesn't seem dissappointed. However, I still feel guilty for not being able to support her. To add to that, her daddy can't go either, but he feels no guilt at all.

How as parents do we get over the guilt of "not being able to do it all"? Do you ever feel the need to "make it up too your kids" by buying them something or letting them do something you wouldn't otherwise, like having a late over for their birthday on a year they were not supposed to have a birthday party?

[natickgirl]

Maybe I'm callous, but I don't feel terribly guilty when I have to miss minor things (like solos at school) as long as I make it to most of the major things. I think kids realize we, as parents, are super busy, especially when more than one child is involved in more than one thing (sports, music, theater, etc.). I only made it to one of my son's church b-ball games, but he was OK with it. Bottom line - you do your best, and your daughter probably knows that you'd be there if you could. That is often enough! Don't beat yourself up.

[Dia Minha]

Thanks Natick! It makes sense in writing, I just wish I could make it make sense in my head. I worry that my children will pick up on little things like having the lead in the school play is more imortant than a band solo, because I would drop everything to be at every play performance. Then of course last summer when I was on bedrest I missed 4 performances of my sons in Peter Pan. They had small parts. My two boys were lost boys and my DH was a pirate. Would I have insisted on getting to there one or two more times if they had a bigger part. Most likely. Is that teaching my children that if they have "small" parts they aren't as important? Silly I know, because really it just teaches them about priorities. I guess as long as I am putting out the same effort with each of my children in the things that are most important to them, than I shouldn't feel guilty. Now when one child acitivity becomes more important, every time, than another, then maybe I should listen to those guilty feelings.

[natickgirl]

It does get tricky when one child's activity (or activities) seem more important than another's. I have to remind myself that each child feels his/her activity is important, and to try to spread my time evenly with all of them...especially the ones who are less demanding. It's so easy to justify spending a lot of time, energy, and money on my son's music & sports because he's so talented while my daughter "makes due" with what's left because her talents lie elsewhere (writing, babysitting, cooking, etc.). And, what about my other daughter & her talents? I struggle with this. How do I support them all in their own ways? In a way, it would be easier if they were all competing for my time, money & attention in the same way...then I could just split it all evenly, right? *Sigh*

[5ft Diva]

Dia, you know I love ya and it is in love that I'm going to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself. Your post has a twinge of anxiety in it. My advice is to try to be okay knowing that you are doing the best you can. What I hear is that you are feeling guilty that you can't be "fair" to your kids. Unfair because you can't be there for all of them all of the time or because you're sacrificing time for one because you're spending time on another - whether or not this is right, I don't know, it's just what I'm hearing. Anyway....they seem to be fine with it...so does your DH...but based on my own personal experience with feelings like this it almost makes me wonder if this experience triggered a need that you have for some unresolved feelings??? However, if you feel you need to resolve the issue of not being there for your daughter - let her put on a talent show one night and let the whole night be about her. Heck - give each of your kids their own talent night maybe once a quarter so that when this kind of thing happens again (and it will) you don't have to feel guilty about not actually being at the event you were unable to make because you made efforts in a different way.

Anyway, I am not the expert here on parenting and definitely not the expert on your life, but I call things the way I see them and the way I see this is you are second guessing your efforts as a mother. Don't. You're doing great and your children know you love them. Just be happy with what you are able to do (and I'm not saying that you aren't) and enjoy one experience at a time. When your daughter is speaking at your funeral (you know, when you pass away at the ripe age of 101) do you think she's going to remember that you didn't make it to that morning solo? Pretty sure she's not. I think she'll say she is grateful she had a mother who believed in her and supported her.

[bookworm]

Diva, what a fantastic reply! What a smart lady.