Teenagers & the Birds and the Bees

Mamallama · #1 03-06-2007, 06:00 AM

When I was growing up, I dreamed of how I would be the perfect Mom. That I would be cool and would put my kids at ease about talking with me about anything....the facts of life, our body changes, and just about whatever.....WHOA!!!! WAS that ever easier dreaming about then making come true?? I talk with my kids about how their bodies change, about how babies are made and born etc.....but let me tell you they are SOOO uncomfortable about talking about private issues, one of them in particular always say "ok ok are we done....can we stop talking about this now?!" OKAY, so I'm obviously a failure at this. Anyone have any good advice???

***Big_Sissy*** · #2 03-06-2007, 10:36 AM

Ha ha, I'm not sure their is a good way to talk about it.

I will say though that when my father talked to me about it, it was a very serious conversation, and one that was prompted by my telling him I didn't need to go to 5th grade maturation because I knew everything they were going to tell me already anyway. Which was mostly true. You'd be amazed at the conversations that go on on the play ground

So I guess my point is, I'm not sure you really need to talk to them more then once about it. I would make it a one time deal, and have a plan of what you are going to say. Make sure your spouse is there as well, and on board with the conversation, as it might help keep the children listening.

It is my opinion that by the time a child is 12 or so, they know what the process to reproduce is. Talking about what they already know IMOP is boring and uncomfortable to them. What I would suggest is talking more about how it all works from a biological perspective. Meaning, talking about the specifics of the female and male bodies. I think you get my point, but make it more like a science lesson then anything else, and I think you'll have better luck. Doesn't mean they won't still hate it, but I'm not sure what else you need to tell them other then to top it off with the standard stuff you would say like "this is something shared between a man and woman in LOVE, within the bounds of marriage." I would also suggest touching on why this is so. Why our Father in Heaven values the procreation process so much, and why we are blessed to have the ability/blessing as husband & wife to participate in this activity. Helping them understand the why's is probably more important then the mechanics of it all since they probably already have a good understanding already, at least I did, and I doubt children in this day and age are much different.

Anyway, hope that helps.

Erudite · #3 03-06-2007, 10:43 AM

Remember how you felt when your parents talked to you about it all. That's my advice. Realize that you were uncomfortable too, BUT you were LISTENING. There are always details that get shared that help them know you are watching out for them and care about them...right down to their "time of the month." And good luck. We're just approaching that stage (our oldest son is 10) and we've tried to be open and whatnot, but we get about the same response.

crazyK · #4 03-06-2007, 12:32 PM

I feel that we always need to talking about this with our children. I got married whe I was 23 and the weekend before I got married my mom handed me a bag with ky jelly and something else (I can't remember) and then said I will tell you what these are for later. I told my mom not to worry that I already knew what they were for. I was 23 years old. My girls and I talk about body things all the time. I think the more it is talked about the easier it is for them to ask questions when they get them. And I am getting better at knowing what they are really asking in between the lines. I do have to admit that my boys are still very young and the conversations haven't gone much further that boys have a penus and girls have a vagina.

I do kow that if young kids are going to have sex they are going to have sex. I want my children and I to have a relationship that they will confide in me before so that I can 1st) talk them out of it, 2nd) get them protection. I am not just protecting them from being a too young of a parent but from yucky things as well.

**5ft Diva** · #5 03-06-2007, 12:34 PM

I think it's gonna be a different conversation with every kid, so when you figure it out w/ one you'll be figuring it out a completely different plan for another.

I actually have a handout from my BIL who taught (FHE) us about how to talk to the kids about it and he came from it from a scriptural point of view. I'll try to find it and send it to you if it helps. Knowing you, you've already taken that approach.

Dia Minha · #6 03-06-2007, 08:31 PM

5D, I would love that information when you find it.

The only suggestion I have that has seemed to work for us, is to start out when they are young. My two oldest children started talking a lot about babies and where they come from when I was pregnant with my last. We had a miscarriage before my last pregnancy and that kind of through them for a loop. So we felt it was time to explain how things worked.

I checked out a ton of books from the library and my DH and I went through them all and chose the ones we thought were the most appropriate. We found quite a few that were done from a religious perspective, and were very nicely written and illustrated. We also surprisely found some that were actually quite crude a little to detailed in the illustrations. I was quite shocked, because they were specifically for children. Those we kept hidden away in our room and just took back to the library. (I also looked up some information on the LDS website about teaching children about their bodies and there was some good stuff there too.) We then just worked them into our daily readings. We left them out on the coffee table so the kids get read them own their own. Anytime I saw one of them with a book, I asked them if they wanted me to read it to them or if they had any questions. None of the books were very detailed by any means, although I feel like it was a nice introductory and it opened the lines for more communication.

We talk a lot in our family that our bodies are not secret, but sacred. We have allowed our children to decide on their own when they are no longer comfortable with the opposite sex seeing them and have found that this has worked well. I feel that this has allowed many spur of the moment conversations about our bodies and how they work, again just keeping those lines opened.

I have felt like as my children reach the age of accountability they need to understand what is, and is not allowed so at this age we have tried to implicate a special evening with mom and/or dad (we have only had to do it once so we haven't worked out the bugs) where we can sit down and talk in more detail according to their age. We are hoping to do this each year in their birthday month and slowly increase the details and information to what we think they are ready for.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is I believe that this is something that needs to start at a young age in order for it not to uncomfortable and embarrasing. My mother never talked to me about it and I never felt comfortable going to her. I'm hoping that by talking to my children openly, whenever the subject comes up that I can keep those lines open. And I can only pray that when they are faced with something they do not understand that they will feel comfortable about coming to me or DH.

Dia

Mamallama · #7 03-06-2007, 09:59 PM

CrazyK LOL!!!! The night before I got married, my Mom did about the same thing!!!! How awkward was that?!!!! I had lots of questions that I wanted to ask my Mother from about age 9 to age 16.......after that I became so angry with her for not talking with me about things that, that kind of mother daughter relationship was over in my eyes. I just don't want my kids to feel like I did, wanting to know things, but too helpless and awkward to ask.

You are doing so awesome with your kids Dia....wow those are great ideas.

Mamallama · #8 03-06-2007, 10:05 PM

Whoops, that last note posted before I was finished writing. Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences with this. VERY good thoughts and ideas. Very helpful. I can use all the help I can get on this....Keep the ideas coming as they come to you

Dia Minha · #9 03-06-2007, 10:10 PM

I just remembered reading something about making those special talks exciting and fun. Using a "date night" like what we have been talking about in the other thread. If you are doing these "dates" with your children on a regular basis and talking to them about other things, it would be easier to bring up tougher subjects. Plan something like going out for ice cream and then find a nice quite place to talk, might help break the ice for children that are older.

Dia Minha · #10 03-06-2007, 10:18 PM

It just occurred to me that my oldest is turning 9 this month and it will be time for the next big talk and I didn't know what it was going to be about. So I just googled and found this [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]. I haven't gone through the whole thing yet, but it looked pretty basic and informative. I'm sure some ideas would have to be changed to fit moral and religous aspects to it, however, it looks like a good start.

Mamallama · #11 03-06-2007, 10:24 PM

Those 10 tips are great!! Thanks for sharing what you found.

Dia Minha · #12 03-06-2007, 10:54 PM

Got another one for you. This is off the LDS website and talks specifically about teenagers. [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] Sorry I don't know how to tinyurl links.

Dia

Dia Minha · #13 03-06-2007, 10:54 PM

Hey look at that. It tinyurl-ed it for me.

Dia

***Big_Sissy*** · #14 03-07-2007, 02:22 AM

Great thread. Yeah, the new software we installed will tiny url it for you. Pretty cool.

Great links.

This is one subject that I'm sure ALL of us could use some help with that's for sure. Creating open communication lines with our children is soo very important in this day and age.

Stargazer · #15 03-07-2007, 04:42 PM

A couple of years ago I took my lovely oldest daughter on a mom's night out and we spent the night at a hotel. We had a great night which included shopping, eating out and swimming. We had the talk for 3 reasons. First she was already starting to develop and I knew they didn't have maturation in 4th grade and I wanted her to be ready for whatever came (Thank heaven it hasn't come yet, I am so not ready for that stage), second, I'd heard conversations about playground talk and I told her that I wanted her to have the facts from me, not learn weird stuff from her friends, and third, I felt really prompted to talk to her about child molesters and I needed her to have an understanding of what that meant. I went to the health center and got the packet that they use in maturation. That gave me some simple pen & ink drawings to use. Of course it made her uncomfortable and she had no questions, but at least I knew she had the information. One of the things that I have told her is that if she ever wanted to talk about anything or ask a question she was too uncomfortable to do she could write me a letter. I have often thought that I should create a letter box where she could put it, but haven't got there yet. Even after all of this we still had an incident that she was afraid to tell us about and it came out a few months later. I tried to make sure that she knew that she would never get in trouble for talking about things like this. I'm still not sure she's convinced. I think paying regular attention to this subject is key. I don't think it has to come as a regular conversation, but in more casual ways like those that have already been discussed.

crazyK · #16 03-07-2007, 06:40 PM

This has been great. I love all the different ideas. I just wat my children to learn from me. And to trust me and my husband. I had more sex talks with my dad than I have ever had with my mother. It is so strange how things happened. My mom is doing a better job now. But my life would have been easier had she been more open and not so negitive. Thanks you gals. Oh and guys.

Mamallama · #17 03-11-2007, 02:03 PM

Stargazer, that's such a great way of spending time with your daughter to talk about these issues. And I think that you're right about the importance of keeping the door always open for bringing up more discussions. The letter box is a good idea! I agree that we need to keep bringing various subjects up even if our kids are too afraid to do so. And you also brought up the very important topic of how to help them NOT be AFRAID to tell us if they are exposed to inappropriate behaviors. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. They do need talks on appropriate dating, what is appropriate touching and what is not. Talks about hugs and kisses, and Being specific about it even if it is uncomfortable. These things need to be talked about way BEFORE dating age so that they can be prepared.

My brother is a family therapist. He sees A LOT of LDS families. On more than one occasion he has worked with 13, 14 or 15yr old teenage girls who are pregant but say this, "BUT WE NEVER WENT OUT ON A DATE", feeling truly proud that they followed the prophet's counsel of not going out on a date before the age of 16!! We need to make sure that we explain in DETAIL what CHASTITY is, and one of the main reasons we don't date before we are age 16 is to help us keep the law of chastity AND that this law appies before age 16, at age 16, and after age 16. We need explain these things to our young sons and daughters at unfortunately an even younger age than maybe we needed to know when we were growing up...at least myself anyway.....I'm ancient compared to most of you I think

And like you said CrazyK, I just hope my kids can learn from me. I want them to know that I love them and that I'm just trying to help them.....not trying to make them feel icky and uncomfortable.

***Big_Sissy*** · #18 03-11-2007, 05:43 PM

mamallama you bring up a good point. I can tell you from personal experience, and maybe this is more then any of you want to know, but it's real life and it's now 20 years removed, so it's got to be worse now.

When I was 13, I had my first encounter with a girl. Not the BIG encounter, but way more then a 13 year old should have. So you are 100% right. It needs to start NOW!

Thanks for bringing that up. My oldest is 10, and I think it's TIME!!!!

I'll be sure and tell 5ft Diva to get right on that

Toxic_Rat · #19 03-12-2007, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mamallama

<snip>
I want them to know that I love them and that I'm just trying to help them.....not trying to make them feel icky and uncomfortable.

IMO, it's uncomfortable for the kids because they don't know what to ask, or what to say about it. I remember when I was that age, sex was something that
everyone knew about, but didn't know anything at the same time. You wanted to feel grown-up, and so when my Dad had "the talk" I didn't have any questions because I wanted it to appear like I understood everything already. It was uncomfortable because I could tell it was uncomfortable for him too. So it was a short conversation. I agreed to live the law of chastity, and that was sufficient.

But if you'd given me a quiz, I don't know that I would have passed, if you know what I mean.

Today, having that same discussion will just not work. There is too much sex on TV, the internet, in pop culture, and so on. I think the discussion has to include the how/what of sex, but also the things that lead up to it. The comment of how the girls were proud to have not dated before 16 yet were pregnant caught me. The boundary was set at not dating, but I would guess that a more frank discussion would have helped avoid other problems as well.

But I digress, as to the original remark I was making. As a teen, talking about sex with my parents (Dad in particular, less so with Mom) was uncomfortable because he was not comfortable talking about it. Some of that comes from the sacred nature, but some from just not being comfortable with it. Let's face it...if you have "the talk" and your child asks, "So you and Mom do this?"...are you comfortable saying that you do? Now that I type that out, I'm not sure I want to answer it either. I guess we need to get over it somehow.

One more thought about it, I don't think it should be a one-time talk. If we do that, I think that it reinforces the idea that the parent doesn't really want to talk about it, so please don't ask. There is so much to talk about it (both what not to do before marriage, and what to do afterward) that we do a disservice to our kids by making it a one time chat.

Mamallama · #20 03-14-2007, 12:10 AM

TR, Thanks for your thoughts on this! I totally agree with all that your saying here. In particular your comment: "Let's face it...if you have "the talk" and your child asks, "So you and Mom do this?"...are you comfortable saying that you do? Now that I type that out, I'm not sure I want to answer it either. I guess we need to get over it somehow."

This comment really struck a nerve with me. I need to work harder on getting over my own uncomfortable feelings about talking about it. I have one child in particular that's so uncomfortable......but maybe the problem is me-----OK, the ball's in my court-----what can I do to help myself
"get over it somehow?" Definate food for thought!