Too hard or too easy?

[5ft Diva]

My oldest just did something really foolish (typical 11 yr old) and then tried to cover it up w/ a lie. I told him I was really disappointed w/ him especially since that was like strike #3 for him today. His comment was, "More like #7." I made as big a deal of it as I dared (including the "I love you and I want what's best for you" part) and then just asked him to do better tomorrow. Is there a better way of handling situations like this than what I just did? I'm not frustrated because I think this is normal behavior but because he's my first I'm not sure if it's normal...if you know what I mean. I just don't want to be too hard on him and at the same time not too easy on him either. What do you gals of older kids think? What's been your experience w/ this kind of stuff?

[PhillyGirl]

Good Luck with this one. As you know I don't have older kids so I will look forward to what people have to offer so I can store it away and use it later.

[bookworm]

I do think some lying is normal. I've had a few told to me over the years , but if the kid is feeling like he can't do anything right (the #7 comment sounds like that), or that he is unloved (not necessarily because of anything you've done or not done- this can be caused by all kinds of things), it seems like things like this are worse. If he thinks he gets in trouble frequently, he may just be living up to what he sees as the expectation that he'll fail.

I don't know much, but I do know that my boys have all lied from time to time. I try to head this off, for example, I don't punish them if they tell the truth when I can tell that it's hard to do so- often my 8 yr old will say, "I was tempted to lie, but I'm going to tell you the truth..." to preface a confession. I want more than anything for my kids to trust me, so I try to express my trust for them often. That 8-yr-old of mine is the only one that I struggle with, because he tends to exaggerate or outright lie when he wants to play or stay home from school, etc. He's getting better, though. Now that he's been baptized, he knows the expectation is that he'll be honest, but if he slips up, he can confess and repent, and it's safe to do so. At least, I think he knows that.

[5ft Diva]

Maybe I wasn't very clear in what I was trying to say. I don't mean to say that lying isn't normal....heaven knows that I've told my share. And, BW, maybe I'm not understanding what you're trying to say but what I hear is an explanation for why my child lied and how you handle it when your children do. My question was more or less was my reaction to his actions too easy or too hard and was there a different way to handle it if they were one way or the other. So, am I hearing that you felt I was too hard on him???? I'm just a little counfused.

[bookworm]

Sorry, I guess I misunderstood. I don't think you were too hard on him.

[5ft Diva]

BW, I want to apologize if it seemed I discounted anything you said because I asked for what you said. I'm afraid I may have come off a little rude and that was not my intention. I was mainly concerned w/ whether or not I was too hard on my son or too easy on him and if there were any improvements I could make as well as finding out about others' experiences w/ this kind of stuff. I really do appreciate your insights and once again apologize for overlooking what you were really saying. Sorry for the tunnel vision. Can you forgive me?

[Erudite]

It sounds to me (looking back up to the original situation) like you were about right. One thing I've found effective is to ask them to take it immediately to their Heavenly Father...as in "go right now to your room and have a prayer to repent and ask forgiveness". This takes the pressure off me to be MAD and puts the responsibility on them...and my reaction generally comes out calm but firm when I'm about to ask them to head up to their room to pray... you know what I mean? And you know their Heavenly Father will say "I love you, but I want what's best for you" too.

[bookworm]

No worries, Diva !

[5ft Diva]

Thanks E. That's a great suggestion!