Why Being Less Protective Is Better

[Dia Minha]

I came across this article today and thought you ladies might enjoy it. I loved it. It confirmed to me that I was doing good things for my children, by not doing for them. I do not jump in and rescue them when they forget their lunch or homework. When they get into fights I do not try and break them up, unless there is hitting, throwing things or otherwise physical or emotional harm, such as name calling. I'm learning how to take a step back from homework, thanks to my 4th grader's teacher. My goal is to raise healthy and independent children. If I can help them learn how to be responsible and make good decisions and let them handle poor decisions or dissappointments to the best of their ability now, I can only imagine how much better off they will be later.

What do you think about the aritcle?
Did you learn anything new about your parenting style?
Is there anything you are going to try and do different now?

[5ft Diva]

I need the link to the article and I'll read it and tell you what I think. Sounds like an interesting topic!

[Dia Minha]

Oh my, I'm such an idiot. Don't know how I managed that.

Here it is: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

[5ft Diva]

I loved the article.

I've learned that it takes faith to let natural consequences talk (whether desirable or undesirable) for themselves. I also learned after reading this article that I'm not that good at letting the natural consequences do the talking and I could really work on that. I found that I try to control more than I should. I loved the rule of thumb that suggests to ask yourself that if you were out of the country would ______ have happened? If so then it had nothing to do w/ me. (I took this to say it was none of my business in the first place and that I should stay out of it.)

My own interpretation of another idea that I liked was the one that sometimes the reason we rescue our children is because we just don't want to take the time to listen and let them work through their own problems because this may take days and messes w/ our schedules. I could really work on this. Again, I can't control everything.

Isn't it interesting when we start being selfish we don't allow things to flow naturally as they should? At least this is what I learned from this. This was a really good reminder for me.

What I would really like to start working on taking time before acting. I'm sure this is a learned trait and it will be different for every situation. One day I'll start to feel natural at it....

[bookworm]

That is a great article, Dia! It reminds me very much of the "Love and Logic" lessons on parenting. To answer your questions,
1. I liked it a lot, it's like that little refresher course I keep needing every so often on how to be the mom I want to be.
2. I didn't really learn anything new. I try very hard to do this type of thing- although I do slip up. I've noticed a lot lately that my children come to me with most of their disagreements- I think I need to ask them how they're going to deal with them instead of jumping in with my advice. I don't mean to get involved, but when the tattling begins, sometimes I want PEACE so badly that I jump in when I maybe don't really need to...
3. Differently... I'll probably do what I mentioned above. And maybe re-read "Christlike Parenting" and "Parenting with Love & Logic"...

Thanks for sharing, Dia!

[Erudite]

Great article. I also try to stay out of things as much as I can, but I'm not always successful at it. My kids are used to my hands-off style, but sometimes when their friends are over, the friends come to me to solve situations and I have to say, "I don't get involved in that. I'm sure it's something you can solve." I'm sure they think I'm weird.

I was going to start a thread called "Duh. It was me all along." but didn't know what good a "thread" would do, but this is the perfect spot for the thoughts. Do you remember my review of the book on solving the homework hassle? That was several months back. Well, here's what happened:

I took myself out of the equation, but not my attitude. Thus, my son continued to do poorly at the whole school thing. We confiscated his laptop and he still made no changes. Then, one day a few weeks back, my good friend, 5D, said something about positive parenting. I'd recently read the first chapter of the 7 habits of effective people by Covey and what she said combined with that (it was something about making sure that we didn't pin our esteem on what they did and that we make the effort to enjoy our children for just who they are) made it all click together.

I had not been enjoying my DS. I hadn't been looking for the good in what he does. I hadn't been making the effort to see progress, any progress. I'd only been looking for where he failed so that I could point that out and help him fix it....just exactly what I don't do in so many other areas, but was doing with homework. Well, I changed that very minute. Now I make a conscious effort to find something to compliment in him. "Thank you son, that was so thoughtful of you." "Wow, that was a very creative approach." I still have have an occasonal "but" on the end of it but I quash it inside without being said.

Saying these things out loud has made our relationship better and ...amazingly enough, his grades are making a slow improvement at the same time. They still aren't where they're supposed to be, but he had no new zeros last week and that is SO GREAT!!! I praised him to the moon for that and didn't look for a single "but". His laptop is still on my desk, confiscated from a zero that hasn't been taken care of a few weeks ago, but in quickly touching on that, he sat down and emailed the teacher who'd not updated his grade from what he has turned in. It's his thing now and I just get to compliment him for his efforts. It feels good!

[5ft Diva]

That's the amazing thing about you, E. You get a new idea in your head and you immediately get to work making it work for your situation. Do you have any idea how much work that takes?! Simply amazing!

[natickgirl]

Great insight, ladies. You're all amazing.

[Erudite]

Originally Posted by 5ft Diva

Do you have any idea how much work that takes?! Simply amazing!

I don't think it takes all that much work. It was just a matter of thinking it through and saying "you're awesome" out loud. And so when I see him, I actively look for something to that is good about him. Is that that hard of a switch?

I think this thinking also helps with the "less protective" aspect that this thread is really supposed to be about. As we look for what is good in them, we find that we can trust them more and let them do their own thing more. Thus we don't feel like we have to be protective so much, because we've stated that they can handle it. Right?

[5ft Diva]

My "get out of the rut" muscles are not as strong as I'd like them to be so yes, it is that hard a lot of the times. I do however love the insight you offer and the hope it give me as a parent.

And I agree w/ NG, you are all amazing!