Why can't kids come w/ a handbook?

[5ft Diva]

The past few weeks we have been having a particularly hard time w/ one of our children. He has been acting out in ways that are harmful and destructive to his siblings. Because he has such an explosive attitude, he was always getting into trouble. Yesterday all of it came together. We found out that he's been being picked on at school during recess. The kids that have been picking on him are actually beating him up and doing some really mean things to him and they're older than him. We knew he was having a hard time w/ some kids at school, but didn't know it was THIS bad.

I received an e-mail from his teacher this afternoon (after e-mailing her this morning to let her know about the bullying) telling me what his behavior has been like at school and I just wanted to cry for him. It all made sense and yet, because I couldn't see why he was acting out, he was just always getting into trouble here at home.

This kind of an experience causes one to stop and wonder, "Why can't kids come w/ a handbook?" I needed a section that says something like, "If this child gets really, really mad and explosive, it's because he's being picked on at school and here's how to handle it." Obviously I'd need a special one for each child because that description wouldn't work for all of my children. One of my other children's handbook would need to say, "If this child becomes extremely quiet and withdrawn it's because he's being picked on at school and here's how to handle it." It would make things so much easier, don't ya think? I am amazed that kids survive their parents!

[natickgirl]

I had the same thing happening with my DS, only it sounds like your situation was worse. I took me a long time to figure it out, too! When I heard what was going on at school (or, rather, on the way home from school) it was one of those "DUH!" moments where his behavior at home suddenly made sense. Now, when he starts acting out I try to figure out if he's having a tough time at school, if he's tired, bored, hungry, etc. He's usually a sweet--and very energetic--kid who often just wants some attention.

I pray every night that I won't ruin my kids by my inept parenting. I just remember that God sent these children to me for a reason, so HE believes I can teach them. He will be there to help me & to help my children as we figure it out together. Still, I think I'll give each of my kids a copy of Dr. Laura's book Bad Childhood, Good Life when they go off to college & say, "Sorry. I did my best. Now it's up to you to forgive me & get on with your life."

One good book that has given me ideas for my very strong-willed children is Parenting the Ephraim's Child, and it is written from an LDS perspective.

Good luck!

[5ft Diva]

I haven't heard of either of those books. The Ephraim one sounds wonderful. I had to laugh about your Dr. Laura one. I'll have to send my kids off under the same circumstances I'm afraid.

You know, I think if my son wasn't affecting the harmony in the home so much I would've caught on so much sooner that something wasn't right, but I was just so stuck on him not fighting w/ everyone that I didn't see it as a means of him just showing his frustration in other areas of school. I'm sure he was so frustrated w/ us - like, "Duh Mom and Dad! How long is it going to take you to notice that I'm struggling?"

Well, this only makes him stronger, right???? In the meantime, I'll work on not feeling guilty and hope I don't have to learn the hard way again that one of my children is struggling.

[bookworm]

My 6th grader has one boy who picks on him. He says "bugging" him. He didn't want to admit he's being bullied, I guess, which is fine. He's more empowered if he doesn't think of himself as a victim. I think it's really hard to recognize the warning signs.

Diva, since two of your sons are in school with 2 of mine, let me know if mine can help. Even more so, please let me know if mine are participating or passively aware and not helping your son. Without knowing which of your kids this is, I don't know which of mine to ask about it- whether they are even aware it's going on, etc. If it's either the 3rd or 6th graders, I can ask my son to buddy up with them a little more. Sometimes, all you need is one loyal friend and it helps you find strength to deal with bullies. I hope your son gets this worked out soon.

NG- I love what you said about giving them the book. I'm going to have a long list of required reading for them when they move out... we showed our oldest two "The Secret" the other night- and they were both really excited by the idea that YOU create your life! I hope this helps make up for some of the imperfect parenting...