Why do kids listen to Dad and not me?

[5ft Diva]

My husband has told me for years that my kids don't listen to me because I'm not mean enough. Are you kidding me? I feel like I'm mean all the time. My kids told me that I'm known around the neighborhood as the mean mom. Besides, you have to be mean to get your kids to listen? Something about that doesn't seem to jive w/ me. How do you get your kids to listen to you and to take you seriously? What could I do better?

[Dia Minha]

It's not that he is meaner than you are. It is how often he is instructing them compared to how often you are. Can I make an assumption here to prove my case? My assumption is that you do most of the instructing and disciplining. Is this correct?

Well it has been proven that children learn and listen better when instruction is broken up between different instructors or ways of instructing. Lets say you were teaching a bunch of six year olds how to sing a song, and add on what the song means, and the history of how the song came to be. If you were to get up and lecture for an hour on those three concepts, your going to either put those children to sleep, or drive them into misbehaving with boredom. The best way to teach them those three things, would be to divide them up between three different instructors, or at least use three different methods of teaching. So in other words, your children have a tendency to zone out to your method of instruction or teaching, because it is what they get the most of. They tune into Dad, because they do not get it from him as often.

Another analogy would be to what happens when you are listening to background music. If you have music playing in the background for long periods of time, after a while you might not even realize it is playing. Until a favorite song comes on, or someone comes in and turns it off. Is this making any sense?

Anyway, one thing I learned from my parents is you have to make sure the person you are talking to is paying attention. When my dad was very sick and in the hospital, there were times we didn't know if he understood what we were saying. My mom would need to make a very important decision and want to know what is opinion was. She would sit up on his bed and hold his face in her hands, look right into his eyes, maintaining eye contact at all times and explain to him in very simple terms what was going on and what she thought needed to be done. If at anytime she lost eye contact she would stop talking, shake his head slightly, and wait until he made eye contact again before she would continue. I found this absolutely enthralling and decided right then and there I could use the same concept with not only my husband, but my children as well.

Now I don't always use the same technique as in I don't sit down in front of them and hold their face in my hands. However, eye contact is very important. They have to stop what they are doing and look right at me, making eye contact. If they drop eye contact I wait for them to connect again before continueing. Then they have to repeat back to me what it is that I need them to do. The repeating back is very imprtant, because they might not understand and if they don't they won't be able to repeat it. So then I have to try and explain it a different way until they get it.

My, I'm in a talkative mood tonight. Have I begun to put you to sleep with my methods yet? Are you zoning out?

Dia

[5ft Diva]

Not at all. This was very helpful. I really appreciate your analogies. I can see how that is exactly what's going on. The nice thing about back ground music, (it's like subliminal messages) it can be tuned out but it can still make an impression upon the individual you're directing your "message" to, even if it doesn't look like it at the time.

Dia, you are ALWAYS so patient with your kids and so positive. How do you do this? This really isn't something that comes to me naturally and I don't have a clue where to start making improvements.

[Dia Minha]

I think I have mentioned before that it always looks better on paper. I am not always patient and positive with my children. It is always very easy for me to share the positive, yet, very difficult for me to share all the negative. Besides, most of the time it's like what I posted on your other thread. Half the time I don't even know where I am going with sharing a certain thought or experience and then WHAM BAM, I learn something. Then I share it like it's something I have known all a long, but in reality just grasped.

Dia

[Mamallama]

I know what you mean Dia. This is happening to me all of time here on the board.
By the way, you did a great job with the class tonight. I learned SO MUCH.
Thank you Thank you

[Dia Minha]

Thanks Mama. That means a lot. I'm really glad you enjoyed it.

Dia

[Big_Sissy]

Ok, I need to clarify something. I did not say you weren't mean enough. We were talking about what you could do differently, and that was something that was mentioned. I didn't say it was true, we just talked about the differences.

IMOP, the reason they don't listen has more to do with follow through than anything else.

Now having said that, let me say that being a Mom is a very very demanding job. I fully understand and recognize that.

Let me outline what happens. You tell child 3, to clean his zone (for this example it's the bathroom). He says okay and you then move onto the next task (there are many as you know). What happens is you don't even think about it again until the next time you use the bathroom. So at this point, 2 hours has passed and child 3 is no where to be found.

So now lets walk the walk of child 3. He knows he'll need to do it, but he also know that the follow up might not be for 2-3 hours, if at all (because again, you Mom's are very busy people). So he just forgets about it and goes and does something else.

So you can see there is a payoff for not listening. The payoff might or might not be worth it, but I can tell you that putting something off is almost always in all cases better (we think so anyway, and our actions back that belief up).

Now the difference for me is that if I ask them to do something, I expect to see them doing said thing within 5 min if not immediately. If I don't see it happening, I'm on their case quite quickly. I think most all of you will agree, that if you watch your husband, they are the same way. When we want something done, we usually watch or check on the progress within a short amount of time. For a mother, that short amount of time could be hours.

So with a dad, the payoff just isn't there.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope I'm not now branded with being the "mean" dad.

[Dia Minha]

I see what your saying, and it makes so much sense. I can see that in our own household as well. Men have one track minds. They can only do one thing at a time. When Elder instructs the kids to do something he sticks right with them until it is done. Women are multitaskers. We have so many tasks going at the same time it takes us longer to get one of them accomplished. I give the kids a task and then leave to accomplish three other things that I need to do. I have recognized in the past that if I would stick to making sure it got done that there would be more follow through, but I hate the fact that I spend my whole time do follow ups and then still have all mhy other tasks to accomplish.

Sometimes I get so frustrated, because Elder will be home for a couple of hours with the kids and accomplish more housecleaning then I do all day. I can clean house, do laundry, make phone calls for visiting teaching, set up dentist appointments, chat on the computer and and do a craft project with the kids, yet, not one of those will be completed in a timely manner. He can just clean house and the house gets cleaned. Which isn't a bad thing, I just don't work that way. It's one of the reasons I think Heavenly Father made us the way he did. Families wouldn't work as well if men and women were built the same.

[5ft Diva]

I agree with everything you just said, Dia.

Good point, BS. Thanks for the explanation.

You know, I just don't work like you, BS. I really don't. I get lots of little things done in the day and I guess that's the way it is. I don't know, am I way off on this line of thinking? Is this what separates the men from the women? The men can get one big thing done in a day and the women get a lot of little things done in the day?

[Big_Sissy]

Oh no question you are different (thank GOODNESS). I didn't say you're method was bad, because it's not. It's just a difference in men vs women. You asked why, and I told you my thoughts. That doesn't mean one is better than the other. We are a team, you are my yin, I am your yang. Together we make a full complete circle.

[5ft Diva]

This is a very profound thought, BS! I love the picture you painted here (especially since I'm such a visual person). I think you would agree that there have been times in our marriage when I haven't let you be you and you haven't let me be me (simply because we thought our way was better or right). Examples of what I mean: shooting down each other's ideas, "clipping" another's wings, criticizing one another, proving each other wrong, laughing at each other, being angry at the other person for making a mistake or for having imperfections, being angry at the other person for not doing things the way we would do them...., you get the idea.

Anyway, what I saw in my mind as you were talking about how we are each part of a complete circle, was when we are "taking up our space" then the circle is more perfect but if we don't it's edges aren't smooth, or it's a square or any other shape except a circle. Does this make sense? I can even see there have been times where I haven't trusted myself completely and have held myself back and in doing that I don't complete the circle. I can see why unconditional love, encouragement and honesty are vital to a marriage being complete. There have definitely been times where this has happened in our marriage. Examples of what I mean: encouraging each other to keep dreaming, cheering each other on in our goals, recognizing the worth in each other, making important to us what's important to our spouse, not only accepting each other's ideas but allowing synergy to happen because of it, being grateful for one another, laughing w/ each other, being happy for the other's success, ...you get the idea (I could go on and on). I don't mean to brag, I just meant to point out all the positive things in our marriage since I started out pointing out some of the negative.

I will do better at completing my half of the circle and at the same time I will enjoy watching you complete yours. I really loved this thought! Thanks, BS.

BTW, I would agree with you, I'm glad we're different.

[Big_Sissy]

Yep, great thought. that's how I see it too.

[Imahoot]

It is great to see mom and dads work together to make it happen.

I don't think we all have the answers or do things the same way but it still works out. We learn from each other and we also learn by experimenting with what works and what does not work.

I think that the children know that mom is the one that is always telling them to do things all day long and then dad comes in and tells them something and they listen better. Maybe they just start to tune us out.

I am also known as the "mean strict mom" around here but they are learning how to do things that they need to do to be responsible adults and also learning how to function responsibly. I have definately seen it lately with JJ now that he is getting so old and likes to tune me out because he is a teen. I am glad that I spent so much time telling him and showing him things because now I don't have to waste my breathe but rather just guide him in the right direction or catch him when he veers off track. I just wish I had put more into the early years. However....I think I am right on track for my next two. You learn by doing that is for sure!

Good luck on finding your method. Maybe others here have some ideas too.

[Big_Sissy]

Ima, I can tell you from my opinion, you do a very good job.

[5ft Diva]

Thanks for your thread, Ima. It's the light at the end of the tunnel that I will need come a few years from now.

[Imahoot]

Originally Posted by Big_Sissy

Ima, I can tell you from my opinion, you do a very good job.

Thanks BS. I try hard!

I hope I wasn't being too preachy Diva. I have just learned so much recently with JJ and it is all dawning on me. I also have had some great guidance along the way and that goes far. We just keep learning and adapting and that is all we can do. They will turn out good because we love them and make the effort.

[5ft Diva]

I didn't take what you said as preaching at all. I hope you realize and accept that you are a wise woman and that you have much to offer those around you. I see you as a strength. That's why your experiences are a light at the end of the tunnel for me. Thanks for your words of wisdom. Keep 'em coming!

[Imahoot]

Thank you Diva.

[Big_Sissy]

I couldn't agree more. You really are a special woman. I think the biggest asset you have when it comes to your children is you really DO love them unconditionally. I see it, and so do they. That right there is HUGE!