Why do teenager choose to make their lives so tough?

[Erudite]

So, our first son will be 14 in a few months. I've always pictured being able to talk to our teenagers with frank discussions and big hugs and...well, you know. But it seems like this son of ours is just determined to make choices (he thinks he's not choosing anything) that will make his life difficult. He gets 2-4 zeros per week in classes, while getting over 100% on some quizzes. He chooses games constantly on his computer, while using spellingcity.com to get great grades on his spelling tests. It's this constant 100% on this and zero on that, that has us baffled. Clearly he can do the work, clearly he can get the A. So why doesn't he?

I think we're having a talk with him nearly every week, begging him to change his habits so that he can do better throughout his whole life. We've given him every tool we can think of and he still seems to average 50%. Many of those who've done the teenage thing assure me that he'll figure it out. I just have to cry...WHEN???

[Dia Minha]

I'm sorry your struggling E. I have had a similiar problem with my oldest son who is only ten. He is very happy just being average yet, has so much potential. One thing I have noticed that seems to help both him and me is concentrating on all the wonderful things he does, rather than picking on his averageness. You are an amazing mom and I'm sure you are already very good at letting your children know when they have done something wonderful. I took it just a step further and have tried to help him find something he excels at or enjoys and wants to be better at. We have tried soccer, football, Scouts and I knew very soon in the game that these were not it. He did each one well, but was always frustrated, because everyone else seemed to do it better. I convinced him to try dance. He is always more than willing to be one of his sister's dance partners in our living room, but never had a desire to get on stage. I was sure he would enjoy it if he gave it a shot and he has immensly. I am amazed at how exceling at something as improved other things in his life. He is more confident and I can tell he just feels so much better about himself that he tries harder to do his best at other things. It isn't that he is talented in dance, but there is something about him being the only boy in his class that does it that has increased his self-esteem. That and he has a wonderful teacher who teaches so much more than just how to move your feet.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this is any help to you, but I thought I would share just in case. He still has missing assignments and lacks in his Scouting and the neatness of his schoolwork, but I have been seeing improvements in how he feels about himself and I am certain it is just a matter of time, before that shows up in other areas of his life.

[bookworm]

Three words, E: Love and Logic. Seriously, life-changing guidance on parenting.

I'm struggling with a similar situation with my oldest (who is now in 9th grade), but slowly I'm letting go and giving him control. It's HIS grade. It's HIS life. It's not really my job to force him to get straight A's. It's all about ownership. When we own our children's choices (i.e. we get upset with them for failing, we try to force them to make all the right choices) we not only make ourselves miserable, but we kind of reduce their agency. In the book "Christlike Parenting" (which I think is a VITAL book for helping me have good relationships with my teenagers) Dr. Latham talk about how Jesus would not coerce, force, or lecture us into obeying or following "the rules". It was, and is, totally our choice.

Love and Logic teaches parents that it's not only okay for your children to fail, it's a very good thing! We should be cheerful and happy and loving in guiding them through the consequences of these choices, but recognize it's their lesson to learn. As much as I wish my children would take my advice and avoid mistakes and unhappy consequences, it's actually better for them to go through the process now while they're young, than to become adults who never felt the consequences of their poor choices (because mom & dad rescued them, or got angry, thus removing the focus from the lesson, etc.) and to keep making those poor choices.

Anyway, I've used Love and Logic a lot in my years of being a mom and sometimes it's been a lifesaver. I'm just getting into the teen years cds and they are very helpful. "Christlike Parenting" is written to parents like us, with kids experiencing teenagehood (though, I think everyone can benefit from it).

I hope this doesn't sound lecturey, I don't mean it to be. I LOVE these resources, and though I do sometimes get mad or get impatient or lecture my kids, I'm trying. The bottom line for me is the relationship I have with my kids. That is what will last, no matter whether they live up to what I see as their potential or not.

Good luck, E. Your son is lucky to have parents who care so much!!

[Erudite]

Great thoughts. Thanks to both of you. Dia, my son is very technical and I'm pushing every opportunity I can to let him use that talent and then praising it to the sky. He's also very service oriented...like he actually WANTS to go set up chairs for Stake Conference and is the first one to volunteer when sweeping the gym needs to be done (though I can't get him to clean his own room...) And those things are helping I hope, but I recognize I need to better balance the "you're wonderful" with the "please...please get your homework done on time...it really will be LIBERATING for you!" (his science teacher said that and I keep repeating it.)

BW, I will check out Christ-like parenting and see what I can figure out for him. Thanks for the resource. You've mentioned that before and I've made a mental note and then never gotten around to it. I'll see if my library has it and go get it this week!

As for consequences and letting him make his own choices...We've set up a school contract. If he gets below a certain point, there are consequences. If he gets above a certain point, there are rewards. It's pretty straightforward that this is HIS choice. He still keeps getting mad that there are consequences. Tonight, after determining that he was lying about an assignment being done, we asked him what he wants us to do. What is it that he wants? He wants "independence". His Dad explained that he can't have independence from the consequences, which is all he really wants. But I said...go for it! You want independence from your parents bugging you, GREAT...don't you think we'll stop bugging you if your grades go over the 85% reward level? Don't you think we'll quit bugging you to get up in the morning if you'll just set your own alarm? You want independence. FANTASTIC...just realize that independence means being responsible for you. You start being responsible for you and you will be independent of us. We are here to support that move with every tool we can think of. We've given you every tool...now it is up to you to start using them toward independence.

Well, it got him upstairs to finish the assignment that was due last week. Sigh...we'll just keep on with this parenting thing. Somebody tell me girls will be easier...

[Dia Minha]

E, I think it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!

[natickgirl]

"You want independence. FANTASTIC...just realize that independence means being responsible for you. You start being responsible for you and you will be independent of us. We are here to support that move with every tool we can think of. We've given you every tool...now it is up to you to start using them toward independence."

E - I love this! I'm going to share it with my son, who is very much wanting "independence" with no responsibility. Sounds like you're doing a great job, just keep on keeping on!

[bookworm]

My son that's the age of E's son and just a smidge older than NG's son (my second son) is so not seeking independence, it's actually driving me NUTS. He comes to me and asks me all kinds of things that I end up answering, "Well, son, that's really up to you. I think you can make that kind of choice for yourself." or some such, and he just NAGS me constantly about food or snacks or money or games...

I think I've figured it out, though. He's BORED! He needs something to be involved in besides piano lessons. He has very few friends nearby, and those in the ward across the street (our old ward- Diva and Dia's ward) don't ever invite him over or include him in their play. He sits alone on the bus on the way home because he can't handle the foul language at the back of the bus (I should blog about that) and he doesn't want to go to the trouble of reaching out to anyone. He's content to stay home, which is fine, but I think he needs something to get him going... He doesn't like sports, either, which makes it hard to hang with most of the boys he knows. Hmm... this is probably something for a whole 'nuther post... sorry, hope I'm not hijacking... I tend to do that.

[5ft Diva]

The thought occurred to me that he might be exercising his independence by doing what you're frustrated with. Why? I have no clue. But what I do know is that you have given him the tools he needs to be independent. You have made your expectations very clear. He is a bright and capable individual. Is it possible that he's getting what you're telling him and doing this in spite of you? If this were my son, the question I would be asking is: Is he trying to communicate something to me and to the world and I'm just not seeing or hearing it?

The other thought is opposite of the first; is he codependent on you for good grades or for any kind of success in his life? Has he leaned on you for so long that he doesn't know, at this point in his life, how to succeed on his own so sabotages it by bombing a test/assignment? Nothing with kids seems logical at first... It could be as simple as something that my own DH struggles with: "The Big Picture" overwhelms him.

Another thought, you have the consequence thing down....what do you do for positive reenforcement to balance all of this out?

Just my two cents.

I'm so all over the map - I hope I'm not coming across as a know-it-all.

[natickgirl]

I've been having difficulty with DS's grades in a few classes. He just "forgets" he has an assignment due! He's getting nearly 100% on every test, so he knows the material. I think he considers assignments unnecessary, and class lectures boring. I was inspired to check into high school graduation requirements vs. college entrance requirements (especially BYU, which my son is interested in). When I shared the "average" GPA, classes, and ACT scores of last year's BYU freshmen, DS realized that he really does need to keep his grades up if he wants to reach his educational goals in life. I think he finally "got" that he is only short-changing himself and HIS future by being careless with his work.

It's hard to watch, though. Like Howard Jones says, "Letting go is so hard!"
(I mean, c'mon! How can a kid get A's in honors English, honors science, and pre-algebra--even when he "hates" math--and be getting such a low grade in Spanish, gym, and Tech-Ed? Seriously!) Fortunately, we're only 3 weeks into the term, so he has awhile to get those grades up. Thanks 5 ft for suggesting more positive reinforcement; I'll give it a try.

[Erudite]

My DS doesn't seem to want anything. Last week he handed me a brochure for a really cool, but really expensive, computer camp. I looked through it all, pulled up the website and went through that. Then I said, we'll have to talk to Dad about this, but if it is something you're willing to work toward, both in earning money and earning good grades, this is something we'll consider. I told DH about it and he was shocked at how expensive it was, but agreed that if DS will work for it, it is something we can consider. DS has never brought it up again. We can't get him to work at ANYTHING. And we can't figure it out. How can you have NO goals at all? Not on anything? The only thing extra he is doing in his life and the only interest he's shown in anything, is with the school play. He's on the stage crew. He's also completely willing to give up his time to serve others, which is wonderful, wonderful! And we encourage him in those things and don't touch them in our consequences/rewards, because we think it is as important for him to have those outside things as it is for him to get good grades. But we're still rather baffled by the lack of goals. It's really hard to put ourselves in his place.

But after getting after him one morning about something, I pulled up the 5 love languages website and had him answer the 30 second assessment question, which defines his love language. His is words of affirmation. That's how he hears love. So all the times I've griped, begged, complained, encouraged, (or what I thought was encouragement), and yelled have really been hurtful to him. He doesn't feel loved no matter how much I assure him (showing an increase of love after reproving betimes with sharpness) that I did that BECAUSE I love him and want the best for him. At least that's the way it seems in looking at the 5 love languages. But knowing that about him has made me make a whole lot more effort at only pointing out the good in him.

So last night, I discovered that yet again he hadn't turned in a HUGE assignment because he feels like his teacher won't accept it this late (and she'd be right not to) and that he has another HUGE assignment due today...the same HUGE assignment he has about 3 times a term and usually doesn't do one part so he gets a zero, even though he gets 120% on the weekly quizzes in the class. We sat him down AGAIN and asked about it. But instead of me getting mad about something that may or may not get done today, I used a tactic in this book I've mentioned and kept things light and discussable. It actually worked. He was able to share that he feels like he just needs a bit more time to organize the HUGE assignment and then it'll come out allright. It wasn't the outpouring of words that I'd hoped for, but it was a start.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that tiny success. Now I better write that book review so you'll all know what I'm talking about.

[5ft Diva]

That's awesome, E!!!