Book: How to talk so teens will listen &...

[Erudite]

Title: How to talk so teens will listen & listen so teens will talk
Authors: Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Pages: 196
Genre: non-fiction, parenting

I LOVED this book!!! BW mentioned Christ-like parenting, which my library didn't have, but I was able to check out this book and Parenting Teens with Love and Logic (I'm on about page 50). How to talk is SUCH a GREAT book! It is really user friendly and readable, with simple, easily applied advice even for really tough problems. The book is set up like you were attending a parenting workshop over about 6 - 8 weeks. Each chapter is one workshop where the authors describe one example, the parent concerns for the example, and then hand out cartoons which give real-life bad and good examples for the concept. Then the end of the chapter are real-life applications from several different perspectives. Some are small things, some are big, scary things; some work and some don't. It is good to see in each concept how it might work and not work.

What I especially like about this book is that it is all based in how I change ME...not how my teenager needs to change. I am the only one who can change, but how I change me can change my teenager. It isn't me applying "logic" to get the teenager to see reason, it is me just trying to listen well enough to help the teenager reason for himself. And in that way, the communication skills learned would work for any relationship we have.

So...here are the highlights from the book. I'm just giving the action statements. The background behind them are the whole rest of the chapter.

Chapter 1: Dealing With Feelings
Acknowledge your teenagers feelings
Instead of dismissing your teen's feelings (which we so often do when we go into the parent mode of trying to help them see how their actions could be improved)

• Identify thoughts and feelings
• Acknowledge feelings with a word or sound
• Give in fantasy what you can't give in reality
• Accept feelings as you redirect behaviors

Of the above, the one that stuck in my head was the fantasy one. So last night with a little "is your homework done" discussion, I said, don't you wish we could use a pensieve (from Harry Potter) to extract the homework out of our head and give it to our teachers in a bottle? Or maybe we give them just our writing finger finger print and that would tell them that we'd really done the homework with that very finger! He stared at me like I was crazy and finally admitted what WOULD work was a "work day" for organization. It's a start!!!

Chapter 2: We're still making sure. This chapter is about how we help little kids make sure they eat right, have homework in the backpack, etc. and how teenagers don't need and in fact are hurt by that process.
To engage a teenager's cooperation
Instead of ordering...you can

• Describe the problem
• Describe what you feel
• Give information
• Offer a choice
• Say it in a word
• State your values and/or expectations
• Do the unexpected
• Put it in writing

Chapter 3: Working it out together. This chapter was on problem solving.

• Step 1: invite your teenager to give her point of view.
• Step 2: state your point of view
• Step 3: invite your teenager to brainstorm with you.
• Step 4: write down all ideas (including sending little brother to Mars) without evaluating
• Step 5: Review your list and decide which ideas you want to put into action

I've tried do this before, but not been very successful in developing long term solutions that my teenager will actually follow-through with. But I'm hoping the above steps will work a bit better for him.

The rest of the chapters talk about the talking/listening thing from the kids perspective and they are marvelous too!! It is good to see the other side of the picture, but I've already given quite a bit from the book, so I'll let you get the book for yourselves if you're interested.

The final chapter is on the BIG topics of talking to our kids about sex and drugs and gives the advice that the one time, uncomfortable for all BIG TALK is just not really going to cut it. We need to constantly support our kids with opportunities to talk and listen to us and us to them. She gives some ideas for how to approach that as well.

I can HIGHLY recommend this book. It is a really down-to-earth perspective that offers some easily applied solutions to dealing with a teenager as a person ...rather than the alien who took away our formerly sweet little kid. I think I may have my son read those final chapters that are from the kids perspectives and maybe have a talk about how he can see my side as I'm trying to see his.

Enjoy!

[bookworm]

This is on my to-read list. Their CDs about homework and other teenage issues have been a HUGE help to me lately. I'll write more about what has worked when I get time... ha ha...

Thanks for posting this great summary of that book. I'll definitely be getting it soon.

[Erudite]

I know what you mean! I'm thinking to get the original book which was called How to talk so KIDS will listen & listen so kids will talk. I really think I could improve on those aspects with my kids.

Next, I need a book on how to be involved with your child's education without helicopter parenting. I'm having trouble differentiating and finding the right balance. I find I don't know things that I should know, but to find them out, I have to helicopter. A good mix is needed. Do you have some good ideas for that one?

[bookworm]

This has helped me immensely in the last few weeks:

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

They have so many good ideas about how to be involved but not helicopter your kids with their education.

I do have more to say, but my mind is full of my OWN homework right now and I can't organize my thoughts...