How Can I Be More Supportive . . .

[Dia Minha]

I'm putting this in this forum, because it was the opening section of this book that got me thinking about how can I learn to be more supportive of my husband. The author talks about how different we could be as wives if we were willing to state how well or poor we are doing as wives to our friends, rather than bashing our husbands. I got to thinking about the wonderful support system we have on this board and realized that you ladies (and gentlemen) could help me learn how to be a better wife.

My problem right now, this day, is that I have a really hard time supporting my husband when he leaves me to go help his family with something. I have been able to pinpoint that I feel this way, because he is always willing to go help them whenever they call, even when it is last minute, (like calling this morning and requesting is help in Salt Lake at 12:00) but he very seldom calls them to help us.

I want to be the kind of wife that can say, "Oh, how wonderful! You have the opportunity to serve. So I will stay home with the kids all day on a Saturday. I will be happy that you can help your family get Grandpa's house ready to sale. (Even though your brother and his wife lived there for free for the last three years and really should be doing it. And even though I know you won't call them when we need help putting up dry wall in the basement, even though it would save us time, money, and energy. And even though they called you the morning of and we already had plans.)" I want to learn how to leave out the parenthesis. I know how ridiculous I sound and I don't want to be this way anymore.

Does anyone have any ideas, suggestions or thoughts that might help me?

[5ft Diva]

Man can I relate to this. I really like this approach.

Based off of what I'm reading here the answer I would give myself is: stop judging and speak up. Stop judging others' situations as it appears to be the road that leads to complaining that things aren't fair. Speak up when there is a need so the feeling of neglect doesn't set in. Now, if you're not speaking up because you don't want or need help from others, then don't complain when they don't come and help. Support, as I've learned from BS, is also speaking up to your husband w/o complaining and just stating what you need them to do.

I don't know if this answer seems backwards to you??? But the point I'm trying to make is that our frame of mind, the nature of our comments, and the vibe that we send out to our husbands is our INITIAL SUPPORT every time, every day, every where. It's where it all begins. Does this make sense?

And for what it's worth, I know your husband loves helping others. IT IS WHO HE IS. You wouldn't want to change that about him would you?

I don't claim to be the expert wife by any means. Please don't take this post that way. Was my suggestion too vague or did you want something more specific?

[Dia Minha]

Thanks Diva. I really appreciate your thoughts. What's funny is that after writing this I came to the same conclusion. I realized that I needed to tell my husband why I felt the way I did, but that I suported him in his decision. It made it a lot easier to let him go.

I know I need to work on the judging thing. I am so bad. It doesn't help that I feel judged by his family, but I own that one as well. It is something that I am continually working on.

[Dia Minha]

I just had to quickly share an experience that happened this morning, that I think went so well, for me, because I was able to work through this yesterday.

Three young men came to my door this morning to collect Fast Offerings. My husband followed them in. He had just happened to get home from his morning meetings at the same time they arrived. I chatted with them while filling out my offering slip and discovered that the reason there was three of them and not the usual two is that they were the only three that showed up. They mentioned that they would love my husband to go with them. When my husband asked me if that was ok, I was able to say, "Sure, if that is what you would like to do. That would be wonderful." And I wasn't even faking it. I wanted him to go. And while he was gone and I was trying to keep the kids moving toward getting ready for church, I never once felt like complaining that I was doing it by myself again.

Now I'm not sharing this to say, "Look how wonderful I am." I just thought it very interesting that after making the decision yesterday that I was going to let my husband go help his family and be happy about it, it was so much easier to let him go serve the ward today and be happy about it. So thanks once again to BodynSpirit for helping me work through an issue. Although Diva's response did validate my thoughts and feelings, just having a place to come to to write it out with the idea of receiving a response is just what I needed.